Feeling lousy.

I lost my patience today. Though I pretty much didn't mean to. I was just... being terribly selfish again. I guess.

How do I become Christ-centred when all I think about is Me, Myself and I.
It just gets harder and harder.

We went out to eat breakfast today and everyone had their own agenda. My mom wanted to buy foodstuff cuz she wanted to cook for dinner. My sister was tired of the heat and wanted to go home. I wanted to just walk around and visit all the weird places and my dad... was there trying to please all of us.

I wonder why he does it. Why he tries so hard to please all of us when he knows... that's its goingto hurt. That we are most likely going to take his loving actions for granted. That all we are ever going to do is throw tantrums and complain. Then I'll see the hurt in his eyes.

God reminded me when the ordeal was over, when I sat in the car on the way home. To treat others, better than oursleves.

It felt so terrible. So heart wrenching. So painful. I wanted to cry then and there. But society doesn't allow it. I couldn't cry in front of people. It just isn't allowed.

I held my tears back, took a deep breath and wiped my already-wet-eyes dry.

It felt like all the knowledge of what God had done, about leading a good christian life, had been flung out of the window of a moving car. Into the deep blue sea.

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Lord, teach me to live a life worthy of you. To grow in your likeness. To most importantly first deny myself, then to carry my cross and to faithfully follow you.

Torn

I believe alot of you who have been reading my blog have wondered why I have so suddenly stopped blogging.

Ever since I came back from my mission trip, I have lost the interest to blog. The other day, as I stared blankly at my publishing page, I realised I didn't have anything to say to the world. Nothing. My mind was completely blank.

I gave up and went for a walk. To get some fresh air, to think about the days that had passed me by, to think about the life I had lived.

The old blog, was a place that I could pour out my heart to anyone who wanted to hear. It was a place where i could entertain my audience, a place that would macke people laugh, a place to make people think. About ME, myself and I.

Sometimes, I thought about writing things inside to talk about Christianity. Sometimes, I'd post irrelevant things.

And today as i took a stroll in the park. All I did ever, with that blog, was to entertain people. What would Jesus have done with linguistic skills like mine? Would he have written a blog to entertain? or to edify? Would it have been a blog to rant and judge others? or a blog to lift up spirits and share the burderns of fellow men?

I felt broken.

Ever since then, I was determined to make a new blog. A blog that that others could see my sufferings and take delight in. A blog that could serve to edify others. A blog that people could come to.. to find encouragement in their daily Christian lives. More importantly, a blog for me to turn to... when i need to remind myself once more.. of the work he has done in my life, of the love he has shown me.

And this blog was born.

Do not get me wrong. I am not judging those of you who keep daily acounts of your lives. I am judging myself. Because I realise the need to deny myself once again. To take my cross to follow Jesus. If I have offended you in any way. Please forgive me.

An Awakening

Christian Chen spoke in Church today.
His topic was about the death of a church and he concluded his sermon by saying that anything in Christ would not die but would eventually experience a revival.

He spoke also about people praying for revival in the churches and I barely remembered praying for my church just a couple of weeks or even months ago. For revival in my church.

What did all this mean? All this time, I've been praying and thinking. What can I do? To help the Church. To help the youths? Could his message have an underlying meaning?

It hurt me to see it. I could see the Church dying slowly. People were leaving, the ministries lying in shambles and the youth, people like me, didn't understandwhat it meant to worship God. There were even people who had grown tired of serving in the church.

It hurt to a point where I wanted to leave this community of believers, to find somewhere else that would give me peace.

And suddenly my eyes were opened and God spoke to me.

In such a clear and simple language I couldn't have understood it better.
It wasn't about what I could do.
Or what anyone could do.

But what God would do... for his church.

Then I realized no one could understand what I saw or what I was experiencing. The people around me said they didn't understand what his message was about. I was shocked and taken aback.

I thought about all this, as I sat quietly in the Church that night. And i came to realise... that this was the revival many had been praying about. People whom I didn't know were praying for MY church that I was praying for theirs and God was starting to work in all of our lives surely but slowly.

I have written this in hope, my dear brothers and sisters, to remind us: we cannot stop praying. It is the least we can do for Him who died for us. All we can do now is to pray. To pray that God will use us, that he will revive our Church. That we shouldn't wallow in our own traditions and become a whole new denomination.

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On a personal note: My Church needs a revival.
I have come to a realization of the need to come before God and humble myself... once more.
To be a slave for Christ. So he can bend me to his will once again.