A search

Searching for answers,
only You can provide.
Deeply habouring a pain inside,
to leave all these aside.

To tell you that i truly love you
through the rain and shine,
No matter what it is I go through
Still believing your love is mine.

Learning that love is a commitment
Relearning all that I once thought I knew.
Trying to understand something far greater
of which I have so few.

"The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can PRAY. Above all love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use what gift he has recieved to serve others. Faithfully administering God's grace in various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength that God provides so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ..."- 1 Peter 4: 7-11

Love God.

"I can't love anyone." Jolene said quietly.
"Why not? I mean... What gave you that idea?" I was a little shocked and genuinely curious. Not to mention a bit concerned.

"Because.... I don't know... I can't love my mom when she nags, I can't love the little children in Cambodia as much as I would want to, I can't love my team mate who stays with me." Her tone was sad as the words left her lips.

Then I began to ask. "What is love?" Sure... Its written in Corinthians. But... What does it mean? To love people. To love God. What did all that mean?


Sometime back in Thailand, I found it difficult to love those who had irritated me and found it difficult to bear with someone who had annoyed me. How was I to love them? How was I to love God? I asked myself. Do I love God? I mean.. Like REALLY love him?


Went out today with the crusaders for Jason's birthday. Over supper at Swensens, Kenneth shared about his girlfriend and the issue of dating and love. He said love wasn't a feeling. Because if it was.. It would have been conditional. That he didn't end up with his girlfirend, because he "loved her" but because people around were suggesting that they'd make a good couple. His testimony was that he had given the relationship to God, even to the point of giving it up only to have God give it back to him.

Junbin told me the same thing on the train back from church. That when he was mission tripping in Japan, he asked the locals what they thought about unconditional love, and whether or not it exisited. To his surprised, many of them professed their opinion of love to be unconditional. If it wasn't, it wasn't love.

If love was conditional, Jesus might not have forgiven those people who had crucified him.

But yet, as he stared down from the cross to the faces down below, he asked God to forgive them. Then Junbin asked me:" Would you have forgiven them, if it was you on the cross? Do you love them that much?" I couldn't answer him, only nod in a silent agreement that it would be humanly impossible.

Today the sermon at FCBC spoke to me as I prayed for understanding. In last chapter of John, Jesus asked Peter, "Do you love me?" To which Peter replied "Yes Lord."

Jesus asked him three times, and told him 3 different things.
1. Feed my lambs
2.Take care of my sheep
3.Feed my sheep

Then I knew. That was how I should love. That love was a commitment, not a feeling. That love came from God. That I had to do these things, if I truly love God.

Losing my life.

"Dear God, please show me your plans, Bend me to your will. I give you now all my iniquities and my life. Use it for your glory." I prayed to God that night, the night before I left for Malaysia.
I held in my heart a yearning to know his will for me, simply because I felt insecure not knowing where I'd go, or where I'd end up.

I thought about giving my life to God before, what if he wanted me to be a missionary, would I be able to say "yes" straight away like Abraham did when he sacrificed his son, or would I hesitate and deny His calling for me. What did He want from me.

That night after the rather delightful dinner. Roger pulled me to one side and asked if he could speak to me privately. I agreed hesitantly, wondering what the fuss was about.

When we were alone, he asked me if I had perhaps considered giving my life to God, or even doing full time work. I was shocked, Shocked because it was exactly the thing I had prayed for the night before and God had called me to do his work. Roger wanted me to join the evangelism committee in NTU Campus Crusade

I didn't say yes immediately. It just seemed too real for me to accept. What would my parents think? Would my school work be affected? Questions I had to answer, things I had to be responsible for, my life, my family, all these were pressing issues to me.

God had called me. It was clear as a cloudless sky. I decided to take a step of faith that night. If Abraham could give up his only son to honor god, I could give up my life trustingly into his hands. I prayed that I could trust him with the things that were most important to me. With things that would hurt for me to let go.

I'm actual starting to be excited to go back to school. Because I want to know what plans he has for me.