A search

Searching for answers,
only You can provide.
Deeply habouring a pain inside,
to leave all these aside.

To tell you that i truly love you
through the rain and shine,
No matter what it is I go through
Still believing your love is mine.

Learning that love is a commitment
Relearning all that I once thought I knew.
Trying to understand something far greater
of which I have so few.

"The end of all things is near. Therefore be clear minded and self-controlled so that you can PRAY. Above all love each other deeply, because love covers a multitude of sins. Offer hospitality to one another without grumbling. Each one should use what gift he has recieved to serve others. Faithfully administering God's grace in various forms. If anyone speaks, he should do it as one speaking the very words of God. If anyone serves, he should do it with the strength that God provides so that in all things God may be praised through Jesus Christ..."- 1 Peter 4: 7-11

Love God.

"I can't love anyone." Jolene said quietly.
"Why not? I mean... What gave you that idea?" I was a little shocked and genuinely curious. Not to mention a bit concerned.

"Because.... I don't know... I can't love my mom when she nags, I can't love the little children in Cambodia as much as I would want to, I can't love my team mate who stays with me." Her tone was sad as the words left her lips.

Then I began to ask. "What is love?" Sure... Its written in Corinthians. But... What does it mean? To love people. To love God. What did all that mean?


Sometime back in Thailand, I found it difficult to love those who had irritated me and found it difficult to bear with someone who had annoyed me. How was I to love them? How was I to love God? I asked myself. Do I love God? I mean.. Like REALLY love him?


Went out today with the crusaders for Jason's birthday. Over supper at Swensens, Kenneth shared about his girlfriend and the issue of dating and love. He said love wasn't a feeling. Because if it was.. It would have been conditional. That he didn't end up with his girlfirend, because he "loved her" but because people around were suggesting that they'd make a good couple. His testimony was that he had given the relationship to God, even to the point of giving it up only to have God give it back to him.

Junbin told me the same thing on the train back from church. That when he was mission tripping in Japan, he asked the locals what they thought about unconditional love, and whether or not it exisited. To his surprised, many of them professed their opinion of love to be unconditional. If it wasn't, it wasn't love.

If love was conditional, Jesus might not have forgiven those people who had crucified him.

But yet, as he stared down from the cross to the faces down below, he asked God to forgive them. Then Junbin asked me:" Would you have forgiven them, if it was you on the cross? Do you love them that much?" I couldn't answer him, only nod in a silent agreement that it would be humanly impossible.

Today the sermon at FCBC spoke to me as I prayed for understanding. In last chapter of John, Jesus asked Peter, "Do you love me?" To which Peter replied "Yes Lord."

Jesus asked him three times, and told him 3 different things.
1. Feed my lambs
2.Take care of my sheep
3.Feed my sheep

Then I knew. That was how I should love. That love was a commitment, not a feeling. That love came from God. That I had to do these things, if I truly love God.

Losing my life.

"Dear God, please show me your plans, Bend me to your will. I give you now all my iniquities and my life. Use it for your glory." I prayed to God that night, the night before I left for Malaysia.
I held in my heart a yearning to know his will for me, simply because I felt insecure not knowing where I'd go, or where I'd end up.

I thought about giving my life to God before, what if he wanted me to be a missionary, would I be able to say "yes" straight away like Abraham did when he sacrificed his son, or would I hesitate and deny His calling for me. What did He want from me.

That night after the rather delightful dinner. Roger pulled me to one side and asked if he could speak to me privately. I agreed hesitantly, wondering what the fuss was about.

When we were alone, he asked me if I had perhaps considered giving my life to God, or even doing full time work. I was shocked, Shocked because it was exactly the thing I had prayed for the night before and God had called me to do his work. Roger wanted me to join the evangelism committee in NTU Campus Crusade

I didn't say yes immediately. It just seemed too real for me to accept. What would my parents think? Would my school work be affected? Questions I had to answer, things I had to be responsible for, my life, my family, all these were pressing issues to me.

God had called me. It was clear as a cloudless sky. I decided to take a step of faith that night. If Abraham could give up his only son to honor god, I could give up my life trustingly into his hands. I prayed that I could trust him with the things that were most important to me. With things that would hurt for me to let go.

I'm actual starting to be excited to go back to school. Because I want to know what plans he has for me.

Feeling lousy.

I lost my patience today. Though I pretty much didn't mean to. I was just... being terribly selfish again. I guess.

How do I become Christ-centred when all I think about is Me, Myself and I.
It just gets harder and harder.

We went out to eat breakfast today and everyone had their own agenda. My mom wanted to buy foodstuff cuz she wanted to cook for dinner. My sister was tired of the heat and wanted to go home. I wanted to just walk around and visit all the weird places and my dad... was there trying to please all of us.

I wonder why he does it. Why he tries so hard to please all of us when he knows... that's its goingto hurt. That we are most likely going to take his loving actions for granted. That all we are ever going to do is throw tantrums and complain. Then I'll see the hurt in his eyes.

God reminded me when the ordeal was over, when I sat in the car on the way home. To treat others, better than oursleves.

It felt so terrible. So heart wrenching. So painful. I wanted to cry then and there. But society doesn't allow it. I couldn't cry in front of people. It just isn't allowed.

I held my tears back, took a deep breath and wiped my already-wet-eyes dry.

It felt like all the knowledge of what God had done, about leading a good christian life, had been flung out of the window of a moving car. Into the deep blue sea.

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Lord, teach me to live a life worthy of you. To grow in your likeness. To most importantly first deny myself, then to carry my cross and to faithfully follow you.

Torn

I believe alot of you who have been reading my blog have wondered why I have so suddenly stopped blogging.

Ever since I came back from my mission trip, I have lost the interest to blog. The other day, as I stared blankly at my publishing page, I realised I didn't have anything to say to the world. Nothing. My mind was completely blank.

I gave up and went for a walk. To get some fresh air, to think about the days that had passed me by, to think about the life I had lived.

The old blog, was a place that I could pour out my heart to anyone who wanted to hear. It was a place where i could entertain my audience, a place that would macke people laugh, a place to make people think. About ME, myself and I.

Sometimes, I thought about writing things inside to talk about Christianity. Sometimes, I'd post irrelevant things.

And today as i took a stroll in the park. All I did ever, with that blog, was to entertain people. What would Jesus have done with linguistic skills like mine? Would he have written a blog to entertain? or to edify? Would it have been a blog to rant and judge others? or a blog to lift up spirits and share the burderns of fellow men?

I felt broken.

Ever since then, I was determined to make a new blog. A blog that that others could see my sufferings and take delight in. A blog that could serve to edify others. A blog that people could come to.. to find encouragement in their daily Christian lives. More importantly, a blog for me to turn to... when i need to remind myself once more.. of the work he has done in my life, of the love he has shown me.

And this blog was born.

Do not get me wrong. I am not judging those of you who keep daily acounts of your lives. I am judging myself. Because I realise the need to deny myself once again. To take my cross to follow Jesus. If I have offended you in any way. Please forgive me.

An Awakening

Christian Chen spoke in Church today.
His topic was about the death of a church and he concluded his sermon by saying that anything in Christ would not die but would eventually experience a revival.

He spoke also about people praying for revival in the churches and I barely remembered praying for my church just a couple of weeks or even months ago. For revival in my church.

What did all this mean? All this time, I've been praying and thinking. What can I do? To help the Church. To help the youths? Could his message have an underlying meaning?

It hurt me to see it. I could see the Church dying slowly. People were leaving, the ministries lying in shambles and the youth, people like me, didn't understandwhat it meant to worship God. There were even people who had grown tired of serving in the church.

It hurt to a point where I wanted to leave this community of believers, to find somewhere else that would give me peace.

And suddenly my eyes were opened and God spoke to me.

In such a clear and simple language I couldn't have understood it better.
It wasn't about what I could do.
Or what anyone could do.

But what God would do... for his church.

Then I realized no one could understand what I saw or what I was experiencing. The people around me said they didn't understand what his message was about. I was shocked and taken aback.

I thought about all this, as I sat quietly in the Church that night. And i came to realise... that this was the revival many had been praying about. People whom I didn't know were praying for MY church that I was praying for theirs and God was starting to work in all of our lives surely but slowly.

I have written this in hope, my dear brothers and sisters, to remind us: we cannot stop praying. It is the least we can do for Him who died for us. All we can do now is to pray. To pray that God will use us, that he will revive our Church. That we shouldn't wallow in our own traditions and become a whole new denomination.

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On a personal note: My Church needs a revival.
I have come to a realization of the need to come before God and humble myself... once more.
To be a slave for Christ. So he can bend me to his will once again.